I’m a naturally cautious person. I like to take the time to consider (overthink) all the factors and outcomes before I make a plan of action.
It seems to me that life has other lessons for me – especially in regards to my romantic relationships. The last two long terms relationships that I’ve been in have ended with what can be loosely described as a total loss (as in the relationship, the living space, sense of security, etc).
I wish I could say that these experiences meant that I’ve figured out how to embrace a more ‘go with the flow’ kind of mindset. Maybe in some small way it has. I have certainly had to come to terms with the fact that I cannot control what others do; only how I respond to their actions.
The hard work that I put in over the last few years on setting and maintaining healthy boundaries is having benefits in the last place I expected – learning to allow my son a relationship with his father that isn’t dependent on my own relationship.
It’s not easy. Initially I wanted to protect Kiddo from as much of the effects of the painful realities of these kinds of changes. I did my best to put on a brave face but he confessed to me about 6 months after we got settled into our new life that he’d heard a lot of my crying after I thought he was asleep. That was tough to hear.
But looking at that now, it speaks to me that he is old enough to understand that not all pain is cause for panic. That emotions like fear and grief are natural and part of the healing process.
It makes me very proud of both of us.