Feeling Safe

Today is not what I would classify as a ‘good’ day.  But I am here, still able to write about it – and that is a positive for me. That means that I have won the battle. I am not silenced or buried by my thoughts. That is a win.

I am feeling overwhelmed. This happens during transitional periods – when I know things will change (or need to) my brain goes into overdrive. I try to think about how to handle every particular situation or outcome that might arise. I tell myself that in doing so, I am going to be prepared and on control.

What happens is the exact opposite. I become overwhelmed by all the possibilities and shut down. I can’t prioritize and process all the information and emotion that is coming at me.

Today, my bed felt like my safe place. It was quiet and warm. If I slept, I could avoid the constant pull of my brain going in every direction.

I hate these days. When it’s all said and done I feel like I have accomplished nothing concrete; there is nothing to ‘show’ for the spending of all that time.  The house is no cleaner, this blog is untouched. I haven’t made a grocery list for next week or cooked a meal.

I have strong feelings of guilt for not spending enough time with my son. What is enough? How do I measure that? Is my absence worse than a disconnected presence?

I don’t talk to my partner; I fight with him.  There are tears of frustration, anger and sadness. I am so tired.

I did get out of bed.  I got dressed and we went to McAlister’s for dinner. I shared nachos with my son and let him get a cookie. We talked about the last week of school. I felt better just for getting out of the house.

Today will end without resolution to many of my issues. What is important is that I have not given in to my fear and I have not given up on myself.  Tomorrow will come and things will be okay.

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3 thoughts on “Feeling Safe

  1. I’m sorry it was such a rough day on you and hope tomorrow is better. Depending on how bad my anxiety or depression is, I have to take those days where I isolate myself, and it sucks to not spend as much time with the kids, but we’re all probably better for it.

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  2. You are not alone. My bed is my safe place, and as I lay in it because of how warm and safe it is, I feel guilty for all of the things I don’t do. I know I should, but I just don’t want to. You do need to have days for yourself. It’s necessary. I try and tell myself that when I go through it.

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