Feeling Safe

Today is not what I would classify as a ‘good’ day.  But I am here, still able to write about it – and that is a positive for me. That means that I have won the battle. I am not silenced or buried by my thoughts. That is a win.

I am feeling overwhelmed. This happens during transitional periods – when I know things will change (or need to) my brain goes into overdrive. I try to think about how to handle every particular situation or outcome that might arise. I tell myself that in doing so, I am going to be prepared and on control.

What happens is the exact opposite. I become overwhelmed by all the possibilities and shut down. I can’t prioritize and process all the information and emotion that is coming at me.

Today, my bed felt like my safe place. It was quiet and warm. If I slept, I could avoid the constant pull of my brain going in every direction.

I hate these days. When it’s all said and done I feel like I have accomplished nothing concrete; there is nothing to ‘show’ for the spending of all that time.  The house is no cleaner, this blog is untouched. I haven’t made a grocery list for next week or cooked a meal.

I have strong feelings of guilt for not spending enough time with my son. What is enough? How do I measure that? Is my absence worse than a disconnected presence?

I don’t talk to my partner; I fight with him.  There are tears of frustration, anger and sadness. I am so tired.

I did get out of bed.  I got dressed and we went to McAlister’s for dinner. I shared nachos with my son and let him get a cookie. We talked about the last week of school. I felt better just for getting out of the house.

Today will end without resolution to many of my issues. What is important is that I have not given in to my fear and I have not given up on myself.  Tomorrow will come and things will be okay.


3 thoughts on “Feeling Safe

  1. I’m sorry it was such a rough day on you and hope tomorrow is better. Depending on how bad my anxiety or depression is, I have to take those days where I isolate myself, and it sucks to not spend as much time with the kids, but we’re all probably better for it.


  2. You are not alone. My bed is my safe place, and as I lay in it because of how warm and safe it is, I feel guilty for all of the things I don’t do. I know I should, but I just don’t want to. You do need to have days for yourself. It’s necessary. I try and tell myself that when I go through it.


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