Today is not what I would classify as a ‘good’ day. But I am here, still able to write about it – and that is a positive for me. That means that I have won the battle. I am not silenced or buried by my thoughts. That is a win.
I am feeling overwhelmed. This happens during transitional periods – when I know things will change (or need to) my brain goes into overdrive. I try to think about how to handle every particular situation or outcome that might arise. I tell myself that in doing so, I am going to be prepared and on control.
What happens is the exact opposite. I become overwhelmed by all the possibilities and shut down. I can’t prioritize and process all the information and emotion that is coming at me.
Today, my bed felt like my safe place. It was quiet and warm. If I slept, I could avoid the constant pull of my brain going in every direction.
I hate these days. When it’s all said and done I feel like I have accomplished nothing concrete; there is nothing to ‘show’ for the spending of all that time. The house is no cleaner, this blog is untouched. I haven’t made a grocery list for next week or cooked a meal.
I have strong feelings of guilt for not spending enough time with my son. What is enough? How do I measure that? Is my absence worse than a disconnected presence?
I don’t talk to my partner; I fight with him. There are tears of frustration, anger and sadness. I am so tired.
I did get out of bed. I got dressed and we went to McAlister’s for dinner. I shared nachos with my son and let him get a cookie. We talked about the last week of school. I felt better just for getting out of the house.
Today will end without resolution to many of my issues. What is important is that I have not given in to my fear and I have not given up on myself. Tomorrow will come and things will be okay.